All I Have To Do Is Dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime, night or day
Only trouble is,
Gee whiz,
I’m dreamin’ my life away.

My life seems to revolve around sleep. For a couple of years, it was my inability to sleep at night. Now it’s figuring out when to sleep since I currently work nights. I wanted to work nights so I could have a life during the day without worrying about work. I didn’t take sleep into account.

Also, I still struggle with other sleep-related issues. It kind of boils down to dreams. See, I don’t really want to dream any more. When I have good dreams, I don’t want to wake up because then the dreams go away. When I have bad dreams, they stick with me all day and can be difficult to shake off.

These dreams almost always concern those I’ve lost. My husband, my mother, my father. Sometimes my brothers-in-law. Sometimes my cousin. The worst ones are the ones with my late husband. If it’s a good dream, I wake up missing him more. Sometimes I have to watch him suffer and die all over again. Sometimes he has come back to life but we have to hide him because people wouldn’t understand and would want to take him away to run tests or experiments on him. Sometimes he never died but we argue. No matter the dream, it sucks.

I’ve had the “coming back to life” dream about my father as well. It’s never really fun. Thankfully, I haven’t had a dream where they are zombies. Yet.

Because I don’t want these dreams, I put off sleeping. This is not good for my health or my sanity. Or the health and sanity of those who have to interact with me. I have tried taking a sleeping pill, which knocks me out for about 12 hours. But that’s just extra time for dreams. I wish there was a pill that stopped dreams or at least stopped me from remembering them. That would be a very good sleeping pill.

Since I haven’t heard that a pill like that exists or is in the works, I’ve started praying for a peaceful and restful sleep. I just started it yesterday. I did dream but the text of the dream is just beyond my consciousness. That’s fine. I wonder if God minds being my sleeping pill? I kind of doubt it. Of course, maybe He’s been giving me these dreams to keep me connected or to teach me something. If that’s the case, I’ll pray for strength to not let them upset me and try to learn to embrace the chance to be able to spend time with my loved ones and not put it off by putting off sleep. Wish me luck.

Please let me know if you’ve experienced anything like this and how you dealt with it.

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Mysterious Ways

We’ve all heard that the Lord works in mysterious ways. It’s my opinion that Satan does as well.  Satan sneaks his way into our lives without us even seeing it. Sometimes its big things like temptation to commit sin. More often, it’s little things that undermine our relationship with God.  Continue reading

My Lenten Journey

I struggled a bit with what I was going to do for Lent this year.  In the past, I usually gave up something, and then went right back to it after Easter.   This year, I wanted to do something that had the potential of sticking.  Something that might make me better.  Something that might make me more Christ-like.  Giving up tea or Facebook games just didn’t seem to fit that bill.  I might suffer a little bit for a few weeks, but then it would be over and I wouldn’t even remember what I’d done or changed myself or my life in any way,  significant or otherwise.

Years ago, my father started going to daily mass, every morning, during Lent.  It made such an impact on his life that he continued going until he was physically unable.  Unfortunately, for me,  my work schedule does not allow me the opportunity to attend daily mass as I work until 9:30 am and mass at the only church within reasonable driving distance starts promptly at 9 am.

A few years before my husband died, he quit drinking for Lent.  He made the choice to abstain even after Easter.  That man loved his cheap beer!  It was a turning point in his life and our marriage and changed them both for the better.

I rarely drink.  Not much of a sacrifice there for me.

It was when I was about to post  on FB yet another complaint about not being able to sleep, that I realized what I could do that could change my life, make me a better person and help me to be more Christ-like.

Who, in the history of the world had more reason to complain than Jesus?  Surrounded by people who sometimes doubted who he was, constantly besieged by others to heal them or bring loved ones back to life. On top of that was the knowledge that he was going to suffer and die a horrendous death.  He put up with all of this for a bunch of sinners.  He even had a face-off with Satan.  For us.

I’m not going to kid myself and think I’ll never complain again.  But if I can complain less and praise more, I’ll be happy.  I hope those in my life will enjoy being around me more.  I hope to draw closer to God and be more grateful.  A life of gratitude has got to be more pleasant and more fulfilling than a life of regret and complaint.

 

 

 

 

Welcome

Welcome to my life.

I like to say that I’ve lived a very sheltered life, had things pretty easy.  Others say I have had an interesting life and handle things well.  I guess I must be a glass half full kind of gal, but not always.  I try, but sometimes it’s a struggle.  I’m probably not that much different from you.

I grew up in the suburbs and had a typical suburban childhood.  My mom stayed home until I got to high school and then joined the workforce.  My dad worked a lot and traveled a lot with his job.  “Wait until your father gets home” was a common phrase in our house, along with “because I said so.”

After trying college for a year, I left and joined the working world.  I made friends, met a man, got married and had children.  Six children.  Six male children to be exact.  I guess maybe that makes me a bit different from a lot of other women.  But they didn’t all come at once, so there’s that.

One month shy of our 33rd wedding anniversary, my husband died of lung cancer.  It wasn’t the long drawn out kind of cancer with chemo, remissions, and all that fun stuff.  He was diagnosed in May and died in August.  He was too sick for chemo so we never got to enjoy that experience, although he did have to have his leg amputated because of clotting difficulties, a complication of the cancer (DIC, look it up if you’re curious).

About 6 months later, our #5 son was diagnosed with testicular cancer.  After several surgeries and some grueling chemo, he’s now cancer free.

A little over a year after that, my mother fell at her home in Florida.  I went to be with her and, after 6 weeks by her side in the hospital, she passed away in December – on Friday the 13th.  Go figure.

Faith in God has gotten me through.  Knowledge that others have had a much worse life has gotten me through.  The love of my sons and my brothers, my extended family and all my friends have gotten me through.  Life, in fact, is pretty good in spite of the losses.

This blog will be a slice of my life, of my getting through.  My hope is that writing it all down will help me.  My prayer is that writing it all down will help at least one person who reads it.  There will most likely be humor, often dark, sick, warped or sarcastic.  There may be sadness, anger, frustration.  There will definitely be praise for God along with hope, happiness, joy and gratitude.  Please feel free to comment, share your stories, encourage each other, pray, etc.

Join me on my journey and maybe we’ll get through together.
 

 

 

 

 

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