All I Have To Do Is Dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime, night or day
Only trouble is,
Gee whiz,
I’m dreamin’ my life away.

My life seems to revolve around sleep. For a couple of years, it was my inability to sleep at night. Now it’s figuring out when to sleep since I currently work nights. I wanted to work nights so I could have a life during the day without worrying about work. I didn’t take sleep into account.

Also, I still struggle with other sleep-related issues. It kind of boils down to dreams. See, I don’t really want to dream any more. When I have good dreams, I don’t want to wake up because then the dreams go away. When I have bad dreams, they stick with me all day and can be difficult to shake off.

These dreams almost always concern those I’ve lost. My husband, my mother, my father. Sometimes my brothers-in-law. Sometimes my cousin. The worst ones are the ones with my late husband. If it’s a good dream, I wake up missing him more. Sometimes I have to watch him suffer and die all over again. Sometimes he has come back to life but we have to hide him because people wouldn’t understand and would want to take him away to run tests or experiments on him. Sometimes he never died but we argue. No matter the dream, it sucks.

I’ve had the “coming back to life” dream about my father as well. It’s never really fun. Thankfully, I haven’t had a dream where they are zombies. Yet.

Because I don’t want these dreams, I put off sleeping. This is not good for my health or my sanity. Or the health and sanity of those who have to interact with me. I have tried taking a sleeping pill, which knocks me out for about 12 hours. But that’s just extra time for dreams. I wish there was a pill that stopped dreams or at least stopped me from remembering them. That would be a very good sleeping pill.

Since I haven’t heard that a pill like that exists or is in the works, I’ve started praying for a peaceful and restful sleep. I just started it yesterday. I did dream but the text of the dream is just beyond my consciousness. That’s fine. I wonder if God minds being my sleeping pill? I kind of doubt it. Of course, maybe He’s been giving me these dreams to keep me connected or to teach me something. If that’s the case, I’ll pray for strength to not let them upset me and try to learn to embrace the chance to be able to spend time with my loved ones and not put it off by putting off sleep. Wish me luck.

Please let me know if you’ve experienced anything like this and how you dealt with it.

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